On Sheamus as Money In The Bank Winner (or In Defense of Douchebag Heels)

To those who would criticize Sheamus as Money In The Bank winner for being too midcardish and uncool to deserve the honor, I would suggest you take a look at it from a different angle. First, in defense of Sheamus, he is really a spectacular douchebag heel if you think about it. That’s what I’ve been calling heels like Seth Rollins, just ridiculous wrestling characters who are so great because they are so successful at playing guys who would annoy the beejesus out of you if they worked in your office or something. Of course Seth Rollins does it in such a way that somehow the ladies still think he’s sexy and appealing. But really Seth Rollins is always at risk of being cheered. Who wasn’t jumping up off the couch and hollering when he cashed in his Money In The Bank contract and pinned Roman Reigns, for example? I cheered him running in, dodging Brock Lesnar and pinning Roman Reigns like it was a winning touchdown or something.

Heel Sheamus is even better. That’s right, I said it — Sheamus is a better heel than Seth Rollins. Why, you ask? Because he is fully over as a douchebag heel. The crowd roars with heat, the way he comes out and gives a lecture about how he’s a so much better ass-kicker than all these losers, and then when we boo he gets that shit-eating grin on his face, goes around like an asshole, all Are you not entertained! And that mohawk and those rubber band braids in his beard, like really, what the hell is this douchebag trying to pull with that look? It takes his pasty white complexion to a totally different place, one of absolute nerdiness and assholery. See? He makes us all want to just throw our hands up in the air. He is over because he’s loathsome to those of us who cheer heels. Miz is a master of this role as well — we can’t STAND that douchebag, especially for being such a tyrant to our beloved Sandow. Miz and Mizdow were the most over heels in the company during their recent run, because all of us were shaking our fists in the air about what a bastard Miz was, and what a prick he was being. See? They got us. I think Sheamus may have us too.

Wrestling is about all types, not just mythic heroes and melodrama villains. So Sheamus is playing the role he is supposed to be playing, and I contend he is doing it well. But I also think he may represent a creative, avant garde use of the Money In The Bank briefcase. What if Sheamus’s role is not to go after the title? What if he instead uses the briefcase as a vehicle for a run as an Irish trickster, an arrogant douchebag who is always inserting himself in the business of the champion and his nearer contenders? He might be a real thorn in everyone’s side, and we will groan with annoyed disappointment when his entrance music hits. We were all thinking about who is the most worthy wrestler to challenge the champion, who should be the de facto number one contender with Money In The Bank. They changed the direction of the story to keep us guessing and stir up our ire. I’ve criticized their lust for smark heat in the past, but I think if they get it just right they engage us as fans, give us an outlet for our seething critical analysis, offer us a cathartic experience. We feel let down when we perceive weak story in the irritating antics of the douchebag heel, but perhaps that’s the only way they can hook our jaded, cynical, and overly analytical smark emotions anymore so that we’ll really boo and sneer: they have to get us worked up about all those godawful douchebags.